There are only 2 times a year where I am notably affected by the weather…when summer turns to autumn, and winter turns to spring. Both evoke strong feelings.
I am predominately a winter girl and love winter. This is probably due to two factors. One is that I’m hot all the time and although I’ve never been tested, I think I have an over active thyroid which means my body over-reacts to the heat and doesn’t cope very well when I move between extremes. This biological factor added to what I believe is the nurture factor of being bought up in a cold house therefore I’m used to cooler rooms & environments – means I prefer sanctity of winter.
So the first day when I smell that crisp autumn air after a sweltering summer, I feel relaxed and calm again. No longer do I have to constantly worry about what transport to get…tube is a no-no, waaaay too hot…walking can also be bad (my body over-heats)…buses or trains are ok…that is as long as its not too crowded. In the winter, I also no longer worry about getting sweaty in the sun…I no longer worry about what to wear to work that’s not too revealing or too hot (I live in leggings but they are hot!) and no longer do I feel agitated when its light outside in the early evening, as this leaves me feeling like its not ‘down time’ yet so I have to keep working until its dark when I can then relax and concentrate on the ‘time-in/me’ stuff. (This is probably why I’m a night person – I get things done so much better in the evenings.)
Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to sunlight…infact I need sunlight to keep me in a positive mood but that first day of autumn marks the beginning of a time I feel in tune with my environment – cool, shorter daylight days with splashes of sun – perfect.
Then after the long winter, when the first sign of spring comes, I feel another significant shift in my mood. That is a feeling of missing.
My first summer in London, I spent with my best friend. The memories of hanging in the park, exploring London and beers on my balcony have left a hollowness in my heart, even 3 years later. This feeling of missing is loneliness. I did wonder if it’s actually him that I miss or just someone – but why is it only in summer that I miss him? I’ve concluded that it’s because I feel more comfortable in myself in winter. I feel comfortable in my appearance…yes I almost always leggings…but I’m not too hot or having to show my legs (everyone has a part of their body they don’t like, I don’t like the appearance of my bare legs!). I like that you can can hide away in the winter, be alone – stay at home to watch a movie, read a book, cook or write – I don’t feel the need to have anyone. But in the summer – expectations change. You are ‘expected’ to go out and embrace the sun, embrace the extra daylight and doing this alone, well it’s so much harder and sometimes, I just don’t want to. Summer brings more hours to fill with the company of other people and if you don’t have that one person – then loneliness creeps in – whereas in winter being alone works for me.
I realize this makes me sound like 1) I don’t like socializing 2) I don’t have any friends, even if I need want to socialize – but neither of those things are true. I’m not a recluse – I enjoy socialising but I only enjoy it, if it’s not ‘expected’ of me. And I guess the thing about being single, is you have to make a more active effort to not be alone whereas being a couple, it occurs naturally.
The past few days have been difficult, trying to come to terms with these feelings and trying to work out how to change. I know that I have described a feeling of missing before and it made me realize that I’m missing a trick.
I could let those feeling of missing continue to be negative and pull me down – or I could change my attitude and perception. Rather than succumbing to the expectant pressures I feel – maybe bought on by society, but more likely by myself – I need to embrace my inner strength. Yes I am aware of how cheesy that sounds but on a serious note, it has been steering my energy that has driven me to start this blog in the first place and it’s helping me learn to be happy and confident with the choices I make.
At the end of the day, it’s my life and my decision how to perceive and reflect on my reality and my emotions and ultimately, it’s my decision how I choose to act.
Image Citation: http://blogs.cofc.edu/modernism/2011/10/23/eyes-hands-rain-in-e-e-cummings-somewhere-i-have-never-travelled-gladly-beyond/