It’s all about juggling…
Have you ever felt like you want to run away so fast from a room full of people, to find a split second late, you wish you weren’t alone?
I started a post a few months ago called ‘Busy doesn’t suit me’. I was inbetween flats and staying with family and friends. I felt so ‘busy’ all the time that I felt I couldn’t think or digest my reality.
Here I am in my new flat. Alone. Not busy. With all the time & space in the world to think. But is this what I want?
No. I don’t know.
After craving for something for so long, I realise that I have forgotten how to be alone.
I’ve forgotten how to juggle.
When I’m busy, I go into autopilot. I feel like I become a cold, in humane figure that goes to all the places I should but my actions are half-hearted, rushed and not thought out. I feel overwhlemed, like so much is happening that I can’t even stop to think of the consequences, I can’t see forward. I become forgetful.
Not having a split second to think, I can’t concentrate and when I do, the overwhelming dread and anxiety at the realiation of what I’ve forgotten to do.
I feel like I’m constantly letting people down.
Yet here, sitting in the space; it seems crazy how now I feel like I’m suffocating.
I have forgotten how long the hours are. How the quietness wraps around you. How much stronger you need to be to motivate yourself, to stop yourself from drowning in thoughts, to not be selfish.
After not having control for so long, it’s learning to have confidence in your own decisions and choices.
‘With great power comes great responsibility’
I can no longer hide behind the ‘busy’ façade – because being busy is now purely my choice, so I need to accept the consequences.
So here we go:
**Work vs. Play**
**Chocolate vs. Vegetables**
**Drinking vs. Exercise**
**Alone time vs. Family & Friend time**
**Chores vs. Watching TV**
Let the juggling commence!