Welcome to Adulthood.

I didn’t realise the gravity that not being able to drive truly held over me until I passed today.

While I watched the majority of my friends pass at 17-18 years old; I failed – twice.  I then went to uni and after moved to London and it was not a priority.  

I would often say that it is never bothered me and never impacted my life, which in many ways is very true.  There was the occasional holiday where it was frustrating not being able to drive a hire car but until I met my partner, I didn’t have access to a car, nor did I ever truly need one in my daily life.  I have a lot of respect for public transport and would try to never let it limit me.  BUT most of the time I was in London with fantastic transport and also the starting point for most public transport journeys via train or bus across the country.

I realise as I’ve edged further & further out of the city how limiting the transport options are especially across country and if on the ‘wrong’ line.  And then factor in children, you can’t be taking 2-3 buses/trains that take hours.  

Stifling. 

My anxiety was relentless this morning.  After a tiring weekend with caged up children due to the storms and listening to the wind all night, I was on edge and very highly strung.  After failing a few weeks back, I know that my mindset had completely shifted from being quietly confident – I had been using mantras and visual projections of receiving my certificate – to ‘Maybe I am just not cut out for this’. 

The word worthy has popped into my mind many times.  Maybe I wasn’t worthy no matter how hard I thought I was trying.

This experience and result has made me feel more worthy.  

In a society that has cracked down on IDing, and I would produce a green licence that would be thoroughly checked (They couldn’t seriously think that I was 17-years with these wrinkles??!!) – I felt judged.  All my own perception. 

I am perhaps lucky with the company I keep as only a handful of times that I remember have people seemed genuinely shocked that I couldn’t drive.  That being said, here I am feeling very different.  Feeling like a weight has lifted.  Feeling like I am a more worthy human.  Feeling like I am a better Mum and Step-Mum now I can take the kids places outside of our immediate town. A better Partner now I help with the driving on long trips…or even to allow him to be the one enjoying a drink!

I feel like despite having a relationship, children and a mortgage, I wasn’t a true adult until today. 

Today, I know I have progressed,  I  feel more powerful and surprisingly, I am pain-free as a part of my soul feels more at ease.

Welcome to Adulthood!

Image found: https://dailytrojan.com/2020/02/02/growing-into-the-woman-i-am-today/