I am currently ‘playing’ the biggest role of my life: the competent, multitasking Marketeer!
It’s one of the hardest roles I’ve ever had to play.
Why is it so hard? It’s the effort. The continual minute by minute thought process about ‘What should I be doing now?’ ‘What happens next?’ ‘What did I used to do in that situation?’ No task is simple or without stress. Not feeling myself is taking a big toll on my energy levels.
It made me wonder how many others are playing a role?
It made me question the other roles that I have played.
When reflecting back on my relationships, I’m always keen to ensure that I learn something. Anything. About my capablities, my needs, my desires, the dynamics and my reactions within the experience and what potential role skills I learnt. And so far my thoughts are this:
With my recent ex – I didn’t play a role. I can’t explain it anymore than I now believe that things clicked with him when I realised that I was happy and there was no effort. I wasn’t trying to impress him, I never played games (Should I text or shouldn’t I text??!) and I was honest when I was upset about things without trying to push for a reaction. I was 100% myself.
I think this is more obvious to me when I compare it to my previous relationship where I was constantly battling with how I should behave, react and even attempted to train myself to feel a certain way. To convince myself everything was ok and normal and right, even though it clearly it wasn’t.
I did learn a lot though. About being mature and not stroppy and hotheaded. About being more patient, being honest and open with my feelings (Guys cannot mindread & neither can I!), about communication and jealous. I know those ‘skills’ have made me a stronger and better person so I will never regret that relationship…yet knowing I’ll be playing many more roles until I find someone that I can be myself with again and knowing that all the other roles in my life are going to take so much effort for awhile until I feel myself again…well it’s quite overwhelming.