It’s been over 3 months since my last post. 3 looooonnngg months.  I feel a strange mix of nerves, pressure and anticipation.

I haven’t really thought about why I stopped until now. I didn’t really realise at the time.

It’s one of those things – if you don’t feel like doing it – then you can’t. Well I can’t. Total.Writers.Block.

After almost a week of on & off illness, I have had a lot of time to think. A lot of time to dream. A lot of time to wonder. A lot of time to analyse.

From the simple thought/question of ‘Why can’t I just feel better?’ – my mind has been racing and I finally feel like writing.

I want to tell you about my journey over the past few months. How, since closure of last year (2014), I am still learning, but feel like I’m FINALLY piecing things together. All the bits of advice, all the moments of enlightenment, the therapy, chats and discussions, reading – after absorbing & enveloping myself in a lot of information – it is time to move on.

I could so easily continue to dwell on my past, wonder how it’s affected my present and let it determine my future or I can lay it to rest.

There is a saying that it is ‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’* so that’s what I want. To love now. To not let loss get in my way of loving. Be that loving: myself, others, my experiences, my world.

It has made me question ‘What are my goals?’. It’s always been hard for me to do that. I realise that up until I was 24, I had goals.  I didn’t see them as goals actually, more dreams. The last dream crossed off my list was moving to London. That was over 5 years ago. Then came a short list of things to do before I’m 30. I’m now 29 and 3 months, so what happens in 9 months?

I read this article in ‘Psychologies’ magazine about ‘Rethinking the Bucket List’**

Why is it that people think that they should only write one in the face of death? Or only when they are old? And why are the things on it so extravagent? Extraordinary? Expensive? So lonely?

The theory was that if your bucket list has only experiences that are about doing a solo activity – it is more likely to make you unhappy or isolated.

Instead she suggests the list should contain activities that are about connecting with people and making sure that they are achievable within your time frame – your whole life – and money constraints.

I like this idea of a bucket list. A goals list – or a dreams list – with relationships at the heart. Funnily the company I work for has the same ethos and surprise surprise, my role all about relationship with the customer.  I believe in relationships.  I believe in people.  When you explore the possibilities like this, it does make me feel happier. It does make sense. I know that it is people that bring happiness into my life. It’s also not as selfish. Of course already some things I can imagine will need to be ‘reworked’ to fit the rule – but being in Marketing, I’m sure I can spin my goals…!  But on a serious note, it did make me think outside the box.

It also brings me back to the moving forward concept.

There is one thing on my short ‘Things to do before I’m 30’ that I won’t be able to do due to time, money and literally not seeing it as a priority in my life right now. One part of me feels like I’ve failed. Yet maybe, when I can find a reason to want to do it that doesn’t solely involve me, maybe that will give me the determination to complete it. And if not, then move on.

Don’t let the ghouls of your failures tarnish your future goals.

With all of this in mind, I have finally not only come to believe that happiness is not permenent, but I feel at peace knowing that I’m no longer striving for the unachievable.

Last year, I spent time contemplating happiness and striving to have it, feel it, be it ALL THE TIME – but that’s last year.

Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in happiness and I hope that my life continues to have lots of moments of happiness. But that’s it – they are moments and they will always go away and that’s ok. It’s ok to realise you were happy and now you aren’t so much. But the opposite of happiness isn’t sadness or loneliness; it’s something altogether different. It’s being emotionally healthy. It’s feeling perhaps a lot of other stuff, but just knowing that everything is ok RIGHT NOW. And that it probably will still be ok tomorrow and the next day. And if not, you will deal with it then. And if you are lucky, you might have a moment or 2 of happiness.

Another gem to bank in your memory.

In many other posts I’ve written about perspective however it doesn’t come easy changing your perspective in those key moments. It takes time and it takes energy and it’s not easy.

Today is only an ok day for me. Actually a less than good day (flu-blah) but that’s ok. Tomorrow, I’m looking forward to waking up (hopefully!) with a clearer mind and a body that will step up so that I can face the day head on.

Happiness may be not be forever, but it is real and that’s enough for me.

Images found:

Dreams: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/481463016390099001/

Rewind the Happiness: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/324892560592186284/

*Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam:27, 1850 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_Memoriam_A.H.H.

**Psychologies.co.uk No.115 April 2015 – ‘Rethink the bucket list’ By Martha Roberts