The ‘kick’

Trying to describe depression is hard at the best of times, exasperated when you are actually feeling depressed.  Depression suffocates you in a way that most people don’t think is possible.  It drains you.

What has been frustrating me is what triggers my depression.

Understandably when something bad happens, it is upsetting and that’s normal.  But what frustrates me, is even as I start to process the bad thing that has happened…it’s like the door has been opened and I’ve been ‘kicked’ into the room with my black dog again.

Image from ‘I had a black dog: His name was depression‘ by Matthew Johnstone 

This ‘kick’ is what I literally hate.  Hate is a strong word, but as I sit here in this room, using all my energy to focus on feeling better, it feels a waste.  Because I’m trapped with him.  Literally trapped, so whatever kicked me in here, doesn’t even matter.  I’m here now, and I have to start all over again.  Like a game when you die and have to start back at a particular point.  Each time, you get so far, but then go back. Repeat.

One of the ways I start to heal is by knowing that I’m not the only one.  I know I’m not the only one with depression, but do others feel that it doesn’t matter what it is, but once kicked, you are trapped?

I actually don’t know how to search for these people.

I feel tormented.

You just need to be positive…suck it up and carry on life’s fun if you make it

Words expressed to help become torture.  I feel like I’ve failed when I can’t do it.  I literally feel like a child, when someone is trying to teach you maths and you they go over and over how to do it in different ways, but nothing clicks.  Again you almost have to start at the beginning.

When is the beginning of happiness? What is the first thing that makes a child feel positive and happy I wonder?

I know that it will eventually click.  Just need this little thing called time to hurry the hell up, cause right now, I feel like I’m in a coma.  It might be trying to protect me while my mind and heart heals…But that’s not living.

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