Broken

Over the past few years I have been learning more and more about how our brains work believing that if I understood what was happening in my mind then I would be able to learn how to manage my mind better.  More recently I have been learning about the chimp and the human, the old and the new brain, there are many analogies to describe the difference between our primitive emotions and evolved ones including how our environment can change the way we perceive things.

The thing is, on good days, this knowledge is great. On the days where I can foresee stress, or I’m too busy to indulge in my moods, then the techniques work…knowledge is power.

Unfortunately, in too many other situations, where I can’t control a situation or people’s behaviour, that’s where I simply feel broken.

Broken because I know what’s happening, I can describe it to you…my chimp is overriding my human. That is all. Yet knowing that and even knowing the steps to get out of this blackness, sometimes, just makes me feel broken.  Broken that I know how I should behave, how I know that I can behave differently yet it’s not enough.

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It’s not a battle between positivity and negativity or happiness vs sadness, its watching your rationality and perspective falling away from you, losing the pieces that you spent so long carefully crafting to keep your mind stable just crumbling into a million pieces and into a dark pit. Broken.

What follows is the regret and the frustration of succumbing to the pure evil, the foolishness, embarrassingly stupid-ness of the actions and behaviours left behind.

It’s feeling broken because even with all the wisdom, you cannot protect yourself from it.  That it is a part of you and you have to live with the consequences.

I’m tired.  I feel defeated…deflated…and I’m wondering…will I ever be fixed?

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