I have never been able to sleep very well. From not being able to get to sleep to not sleeping through the night.
Tonight is a bad night.
I know that I should not think about it in that way as It will not help the situation, ‘Positive thinking’ It’s all about ‘Perception’ and all that…but the past few days I have just felt so manic that my mind won’t rest.
It’s been a few days of mind battles or ‘colour wars’ as I am now going to name them. At work, we have completed profiling which analyses your personality and in this particular method, it shows you how red, blue, green and yellow you are. I am green, then blue, then some yellow and red. What does that mean? I am an introvert through & through (Green & Blue are introvert) which is correct however being green the most means I am an emotional thinker then a blue means a logical one. Hence the battles/wars.
I know what I should do, what is rational, but I can’t get there. I am instead in a cloud…no more like a fog of emotions: hurt, anger, frustration, jealously, loneliness…it’s a negative & dark place. It’s like a green devil on one shoulder shouting louder than the logical calm blue angel on the other.
It’s the same things that trigger it. Loss.
I am fortunate enough to meeting people all the time and I find it so interesting to meet new people who I wouldn’t usually yet when I like someone, I still find it difficult to compute losing them. A few days ago, I ‘lost’ someone (metaphorically). And right now when I feel like this, I struggle to trust my feelings. (Yet if I don’t trust my gut that tells me, ‘Don’t let them go’ then what do I trust?!?)
Feeling this out of control and vulnerable and literally like I’m some crazy version of myself that I wouldn’t recognise watching myself is just so debilitating.
Some call this the chimp paradox, the childish, primitive, innate side to our brains taking control. A chimp to me feels like the wrong animal to liken it to. More like a shark lurking in the murky depths of my mind.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being emotional in so many ways. There are so many positives and it brings a lot of meaningful joyfulness to my life…it’s just the imbalance. The lack of control. What makes me crazier is when people aren’t emotional back. Maybe I mean compassionate. Maybe I mean honest. Maybe I mean considerate.
I’m craving answers that I will likely never get. I am hoping that the path to a clear mind is close. I wish I could get an explanation of their emotions, feelings, actions.
Anyways, back off green, I need to sleep.