I have an admiration and a fear of magic – the power of making someone feel, think & believe.  Mirrored in the arts; artists, musicians and actors like magicians have the capability to direct, divert and deceive.  Magic in particular often uses misdirection.  Using it to make a mundane action, exciting, mystical, and magical.

Over the past week, I have been struggling with a mix of emotions that I simply cannot seem to tame.  I have literally felt like I am on a yoyo.  Elation following sadness, followed by pure happiness followed by anguish and fear.  The thing that is bothering me is that the negative is outweighing the positive.  The positive is sitting in the shadow of the dog.

I feel confused between wanting to dismiss the sadness and frustration yet not wanting to diminish how I truly feel and what I truly believe.  What is the line? What am I allowed to be sad about/what reasonable?  If I brush my feelings ‘under the carpet’ am I selling myself short?  Am I lying? Does the act of choosing not to let it get me down mean I am in control or in denial? Am I pandering to ‘society’ or the need to be liked, accepted and to just keep the peace?

I realise how inexperienced I am with resolving my feelings and reconciling conflicts in my mind and with my emotions. It also worries me that if I can’t do this myself, how can I ever expect to communicate with someone else?

Part of me doesn’t want to learn to be diplomatic.  I love my emotions, they make me feel alive as much as they pain me.  Ha the rebel in me.  It’s knowing how to create the correct balance between ‘growing up’ while being true to myself.

I am toying with this concept of misdirection as I wonder if I need to learn to do that with ‘my audience’ so I can protect my relationships.  The idea being that by consciously misdirecting I will have control and as long as I revisit my emotions in my own time, then it’s ok?  Perhaps my conflict comes from being too open & honest too soon? Or the way I am approaching the situation?

I wish I had enough energy and head-space or ‘magic’ to work this out.



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