I started a new blog today: theblueera.com
I have wanted to write for ages and often contemplated taking a different approach with this blog to meet my new found needs, but it has never felt right. I’m thinking that I started this blog for a reason and knew that it would always take it’s own journey, much like I am with each day that I grow up and learn something new. However, when thinking about trying to ‘fix’ something that’s not broken, but instead just not the right shape for everything I need, has lead me to believe that as much as it feels like cheating – on my myself – on this blog – I now know that that’s ok. I started this blog because I wanted to face my fear of writing, of expressing myself and learning would might make me happy so that’s what this still is. On the other hand, theblueera.com is an outlet to share things I simply like particularly to do with art, colour and music with others so hopefully they will feel some pleasure too.
It was my 4 year anniversary moving to London this week so there has been a lot of reflection on who I was then to who I am now. I think the biggest relief is to know that there is a difference between my former self and living I…a difference that may or may not be subtle to others – I don’t know, I haven’t asked! – but feels very significant to me. To know that the things I have observed and been submerged in, have shaped and developed my emotion sanity and life skills that have stopped me from giving up and going home.
It’s times like these, where you remember talking about what it will be like ‘When I grow up’…but now you are living it and all those things you thought you would fear or shy from, are not part of your reality. That ‘living’ isn’t really as hard as you would have thought back then but in fact it’s living happy that’s the harder part. Learning to change when things aren’t making you happy anymore. Learning that happiness is selfish and it isn’t about going through life doing things that you are just good at but also things that you LIKE.
The learning I have done, has led me to also think about how selfish forgiveness can be. I forgive because I don’t want to carry the burden of being angry or hurting each and every day. It’s easier and makes me happier to forgive and not necessarily forget, but move on either without that burden influencing my life.
Everyone finds happiness in different things and quite often the reason people cheat is due to wanting more happiness. So here I am, having cheated on this blog to find some more happiness – and now apologising for being so selfish. Sorry. *wince* …I hope you will selfishly forgive me!