I started to write a post called ‘Pieces of me’ but it’s not finished yet. The title seemed so fitting for this post too, that I decided to call them both the same. This is the 2nd one, hence ‘Part 2’.
When I started this blog, I debated whether I should keep it anonymous or to share with family & friends. I can’t remember what made me decide to ‘bare all’ but I wonder if there is part of me that just wants to be understood. Wants this to be my silent voice that would quietly strengthen my relationships.
Recently however, I have noticed how I am I becoming increasingly selective about what I write.
This blog is a soundboard for my thoughts. It helps me to work through the mess, re-organise and find some kind of meaning.
It has exceeded my expectations. The comfort and strength I have gained from not only writing myself, but through comments by fellow ‘supporters’ and reading like-minded individuals blogs, well at times, it’s been a lifesaver.
The word ‘piece’ sounds negative. It is not whole and that makes you wonder “What’s missing?”, “What’s wrong with the other pieces?”, “Why are they being hidden?”, “What secrets do those pieces hold?”
And that’s where my dilemma comes in. ‘Can I?’ Or ‘Should I?’ give every piece of me to this blog? Part 1 of ‘Pieces of me’ tells you more about my feelings of giving every piece – however, let’s start with ‘Can I?’
Of course I can! But part of me is scared. Yep, this blog was named ‘Yellow is dead’ as it was supposed to be about overcoming being a coward, being yellow. But I can’t shake the feeling that family & friends would treat me differently if they knew the whole truth. That I will be judged and not accepted due to my choices. I guess part of me is ashamed…
Then there is ‘Should I?’ So it’s one thing for me to speak frankly about my thoughts and behaviour and mentioning friends in a positive manner – but what if I reveal things that ‘incriminates’ them? Or worse what if I hurt someone with the truth?
“Honesty is the best policy” is indeed what I believe HOWEVER I do not necessarily believe it is my place to be honest sometimes.
I know that part of me is itching to open up and get stuff off my chest, but I’m still really unsure. I don’t even know whether I want replies or whether just writing this is enough to convince myself.
I’m aware of a few bloggers that I follow who are openly anonymous, and for the most part, I completely understand why. “If you haven’t got anything nice to say, then don’t say nothing” – as badly written as this is (my memory is from an Eminem song) perhaps this is sound advice. What would I gain from telling these stories?!
Part of me wonders if I’m even brave enough to start such a blog.
It’s strange for me to leave a post so open-ended as by the time I get to ‘the end’, I feel I know the answer, but today I don’t and even when I do, I’m not sure if I’ll ever let you know…
Thanks for listening to my ramble…and I guess comments won’t hurt! Though I realise that my last blog said I should stop looking for too many opinions as it’s confusing…
Ah well, it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind and who ever takes their own advice?! oops…!