There is a fellow blogger who’s whole blog is a catalogue of ‘letters never to be delivered’ – letters that you write to help YOU work things out, not for the recipient to ever read – and although it’s not the first time I’ve heard of the concept, this is the one of the first I’ve properly written. One I can never send. Nor should I ever send. Why? It’s not nice.
Not nice for the recipient and not nice to write. Not nice to feel.
Why not nice to write?
Because…I am shocked and deeply saddened that I not only know this person but have to converse and have someone like this in my life. Forever.
Because…I feel there are too many truths in it.
Because…I actually have never been so upset about something that I have written myself. Because I’m ashamed I feel such hatred towards someone.
Was it cathartic? Not really. Not when the entire letter is a list of all the most hateful things that I’ve ever thought about a living person. Not when I can’t find a way to excuse those things. Nor can I reconcile them.
I know that I’m so lucky. In so many ways. But I feel so clueless.
How to reconcile this in my head? How do I live my life like this? Yes, I can distance myself but they will still be there affecting my life.
I might be ruminating way too much but that’s what I do. I need answers.
I wonder what their response would be to my letter. Would they understand any of it? Identify with any of it?
I’m ashamed for feeling this way about someone else. I’m ashamed I don’t want to help them.
I believe the mind is so powerful yet I’m helpless. A coward.
How do you fight that? How can your mind become more powerful? Without becoming bad yourself? How do I transpose this hate into good?
Will my letter ever be a cathartic tool? Can it ever help me make sense of it all?
I even wonder will I ever feel differently about this person? Or have all bridges been burnt, forever?
I realise I’m ‘losing’ because I’m not strong enough to walk away. To ignore. To leave it all behind.
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom,
I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind,
I’d still be in prison.”
– Nelson Mandela –
How do I get out of prison? How do I become a better person?
Lamott says, “Haters want us to hate them, because hate is incapacitating. When we hate, we can’t operate from our real selves, which is our strength.”
I don’t actually know if this person ‘hates’ me too. I would like to know. And if so, I would like to know why. Maybe it would help me understand. As I’ve always said: ‘Knowledge is power’.
If I knew then I could change. I can be better. Right?
But that won’t happen. Because I know that I can never send my letter.
I will never know. And I guess neither will they.
Image found here: https://artcorgi.com/featured_item/prison-mind/