Fear

Fear like love takes many forms.

The fear of doing something new, the fear of losing someone, the fear of making a mistake – they are all different.

There are imagined fears and real ones.

Neither is any less severe or scary.

This blog started as a way of testing my writing skills and ‘trying something new’ and was named “Yellow is dead” to remind myself that I shouldn’t fear writing or opening up but more literally using the colour yellow to represent fear and cowardness.

To quote myself:

“‘Yellow is dead’ is symbolic of there being no time to be a ‘coward’, ‘yellow-bellied’ or even ‘deceitful’ (to yourself or others) but you just have to follow your heart and TRY SOMETHING NEW today create the happiness you want.”

I’m now ashamed to have titled my blog something so ‘basic’.  Something so insensitive.  Something that now seems like a very inaccurate anology.

Fear is not like cowardice.

This blog has become a way for me to cope during tougher times and work through my fears but no one is a coward for having fears or not being able to face/cope/conquer them.

It’s ok to be scared…it’s ok to have fear.

The reason all this seems so prevalent right now is I’m almost 6-months pregnant and my Mum is sick. 

The fears I’m feeling right now are like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. 

They have a solid weight to them that is making many of my other fears feel marginal even superficial.  That’s not to say my other fears ACTUALLY were superficial at all – they weren’t but they were very internalised, fantastical almost.  I was projecting negative experiences forward, everything was steeped in emotions and my feelings rather than a real life situation. 

It puts everything into perspective.

Please don’t think I’m diminishing any fearful feelings or emotions that come with having anxiety. I’m really not. It’s just I feel there is a see-saw where anxiety pushes you up and fear pushes you back down to be strangely more on an even keel. But like all see-saws this is a precarious balance. Too much fear and you hit the ground. Too much anxiety and you fall off.

The big difference is that ultimately many of my anxiety-type fears never played out, they were ‘just’ feelings and thoughts but now…the weight of facing motherhood (with twins!!) while worrying about my Mum’s health… well it’s petrifying.

Not being able to physically support her…and potentially her not being able to support me through those first few months of motherhood…has got to be one of the shittiest realities.

I think I’m in mourning a bit. 

Neither of us will get this time again.  The emotions are of sadness, fear, guilt…I feel guilty being pregnant while she’s ill because I can’t help and I feel guilty that she is missing/will miss this stage.  I’m sad because I assumed she would be here, helping to paint the nursery etc.  I feel bad that she is likely feeling bad that she cant help me either.  It’s one big pile of guilt.

Finding a way to channel this energy is really difficult.

Finding a way to make peace with the situation is challenging.

I don’t want regrets.  Yet I feel like time is slipping away.  This is where fear and anxiety overlap.

Right now, I have no answers.  I can’t find a pause button to slow my brain down to focus on a plan.

I’m on my see-saw.

Loneliness

On top of my fear and anxiety sits loneliness.

That feeling when you are in a room but you’re not there.  Not one person connects with you.  You are alone in your heart,  in your mind.

I’m so conflicted as on so many levels as I know this is not true. Every day people, my family and friends are being so kind and generous. Yet something is missing.

I’m missing a type of comfort, a type of security.

This loneliness I wasn’t expecting. One that I had dreamt disappears when you start to build your own family.

I feel like I’ve led myself into a false sense of security.

I’ve forgotten that I’m still an individual in a family with my own fears, anxieties and feelings.

Plus I am literally physically alone a lot.  In the day, going to appointments or/and working from home. At night, I often sleep separate from my partner due to being so uncomfortable.

This is only going to get worse when the babies come.  Home alone EVERY DAY.

I feel like starting a family has made me more aware of loneliness than ever before.

You let people into your heart but they are just visitors and don’t stay.  You still need to be strong enough to be alone.  Strong enough to combat the loneliness.

‘Scared’ quote sourced from: https://www.redbubble.com/people/mydarlingselene/works/21689385-the-maze-runner-scared-quote?p=metal-print

‘Guilt’ image sourced from: https://paweljonca.com/the-guilt-zwierciadlo-052016